I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
