I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
