omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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