The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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