Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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