Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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