I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
