I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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