You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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