my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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