I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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