I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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