Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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