Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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