she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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