'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
