I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
