Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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