I puked a lego.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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