I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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