So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?