i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.