I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty