dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
