I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
They have beer where we have blood.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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