If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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