When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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