True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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