I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
They took my balls.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
