I just pynch a tree in the face
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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