1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize