somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
