i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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