You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
