Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
