I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
