But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We just shotgunned beers for America
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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