My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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