rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
as a side note pls kill me
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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