My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge