Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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