Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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