Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
