i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
