You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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