Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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