fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
