false alarm. still invincible.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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