I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
