Cold hands, warm shart.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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