I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
