I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
