last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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