Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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