Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
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There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
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Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.