That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.