It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
