And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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