Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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