Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
