My friends, they love my intelligence
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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