i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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