dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
