Got a toothbrush?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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